A little about Weddings and Money

May 18th, 2012 by Mail .

Weddings are grand events, and have been since the days of Jesus when He turned water into wine at Cana. Being celebratory events, they come with great expense and lots of fanfare. However, while it is all very well to party and make the day memorable there are a few things to think about before you decide to set a date for the occasion. I’ve heard romantics say that all you need is love and the rest will fall into place. I’ve heard Christians who advocate for getting it over with quickly so that you end the struggles of staying pure. Every argument for wedding without thinking through the implications and viability is convincing, and there are many who follow the advice of these arguments.

Now let me clarify that a wedding need not be expensive, it may involve a very simple trip to the Attorney-General and you’re all set. But if we are honest, how many brides-to-be are dreamily imagining a trip to the AG’s Chambers? In many cases the wedding sets the tone for the first years of marriage – and is considered by many as an expression of the man’s commitment to the enterprise of marriage. It is also said that the wedding night serves the same purpose for the woman but that is a story for another blog perhaps.

So assuming you’re going with visible wedding, you need to understand that weddings cost money. Money that should ideally NOT come from the following sources:

  • Loans
  • Selling fixed assets

You also need to understand that a wedding is the BEGINNING of a committed life together, not an isolated EVENT like a birthday party. So the following are not reasons for a wedding:

  • We’ve gone out very long
  • Every one of our friends is getting married
  • Peer pressure/sibling rivalry

One of the most important things to understand is that MONEY is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Falling out of love (1st) and infidelity (2nd) rank ahead of it by the most recent studies, but it is still a big reason especially for couples where the first two are statistically unlikely. Arguments, fights and dissatisfaction can all arise from a prevailing and persistent lack of money. And while this is to be endured if it is not a choice, remember that in the case of marriage it is a choice. Get married at the wrong time in your financial timeline and you may not recover.

While it is not necessary to wait for perfect weather, perfect finances, perfect career and so on to wed your beloved, remember that life together begins after the wedding, and the very real prospects of financial struggle and so on need to be faced soberly. The life of a bachelor is SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper (or more hardy and resilient in financial hardship) than the life of a family man. It is one thing to have faith in God’s provision, it is quite another to embark on foolish adventure. Solomon himself says a few hard-hitting things about reckless expenditure:

There is treasure to be desired and oil in the dwelling of the wise; but a foolish man spends it up – Proverbs 21:20

He that is despised, and hath a servant, is better than he that honoureth himself, and lacketh bread – Proverbs 12:9

The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty – Proverbs 21:5

The rich rule over the poor and the borrower is servant to the lender – Proverbs 22:7

Any proper pre-marital counseling program covers financial management, the wedding budget and some tips on how to gauge your readiness for married life. No one wants to rain on the parade, when it makes sense go ahead and have a big day. But keep in mind that after the big day and the honeymoon come rent, furniture, bills, kids and so on. However romantic we want to be, God Himself advises repeatedly on wisdom when it comes to handling finance.

Tithe

Don’t just add boyfriend salary and girlfriend salary and figure that that will be the family income. Remember that each of you has to tithe before you make any move. If you are a Christian, tithe is not optional. And it’s always easy to come up with excuses, to prioritize other things and when things are tight – tithe goes out the window first. Discuss tithe and factor in that the family budget must survive each month on 90% of the income.

So here are some tips to consider if you are about to take that step:

  • Marriage is a good, God-honoring lifetime commitment that you should be proud to be considering.
  • Having a good financial foundation will enable you to concentrate on building your marriage rather than being preoccupied with creditors and other financial bondage.
  • Plan a wedding that is within your means and leaves you in a position to start married life comfortably.
  • As you plan for the wedding, plan also for life together – rent, food, furniture, household appliances, insurance, emergency funds and so on.
  • Discuss expectations openly and clearly, so that no one gets a hut when they expected a palace.
  • Seek God’s wisdom in knowing the difference between genuine faith and misplaced optimism.
  • Be prepared to work hard to improve and grow your marriage. Have plans for investments and growing your funds.
  • Work out a budget that allows you to survive well on one income, just in case one spouse loses their job or means of livelihood.
  • For ladies who are a bit traditional, get used to the idea of contributing financially to your marriage.
  • For men who are a bit traditional, get used to the idea of sharing your financial status with your partner.
  • A car is not a necessity. It is a huge liability and judging from the many cars sporting FOR SALE stickers – commonly a poorly thought out purchase. Buy a car only when you can afford it.

After the sobering lecture, go ahead and plan a wedding that you and your partner will remember. The rest of the world will forget it as soon as the next Saturday :-)

Posted in Dating for Marriage, General Discussion, Relationships
Tags: , , ,

The Making of The Proverbs 31 Woman

May 13th, 2012 by GGG .

We found her there. At the tail end of wisdom’s book. Right when we were about to sit back, sink in our seats and ponder on all things wise. She was there. This mysterious woman clothed in honor, endowed with praise, the embodiment of virtue. She is so amazing and perfect, what better person for young women to look up to? What better peer for her age mates than she- to stir them up and rebuke their laziness in silence? What better youngling than she, for the older women to look to as a roadmap to ‘being child-like’ in all their mannerisms. This woman- the Proverbs 31 woman.
Such a beacon, such a pillar, such a bright star in the night sky. But from whence did she come? Do we ever wonder? Who was her mother? Do we ever implore? What drove her to be the Tower that she is, built on a foundation of humility, strengthened by love, upheld by Godly standard. Did she fall from the sky? Did she shake hands with her golden personality on ‘one bright and sunny day’?
I believe she cried behind closed doors. I believe she wept before the Lord, confessed her sin, surrendered her all and allowed God to renew her from of old . This woman did not just wake up pretty and splendid by chance. She sought God to help her. She knew she was nothing. She knew Everything needed all of her nonentity to turn her into something glorious. She did not relent. She asked God to take her in, clean her up and make her over. Not once, never twice. Daily. She made God her one, good and only business.
So she died daily to self, lest she lost her soul to the deadly passions and desires of her selfish nature. She wasted no time in holding grudges. I bet she swallowed her bitterness and pride whole many times and asked for forgiveness. She walked in zero tolerance of condemnation, oh how happy is she whose sins are forgiven, whose Lord is Jehova! She knew that regardless of what she thought, she had to trust God, whose ways were far more unfathomable and full of surprises. Se did not understand it, but she was wise enough to pray for understanding and wisdom all the more.
Her greatest joy was that her focus was on One stronger than her weaknesses, that her shelter was under the wing of the Storm stiller, that her life was in the hands of the Creator. Period. Mortal found solace in the immortal. Temporal was sandwiched between Alpha and Omega. She knew that no matter how insignificant she was, the King had sought audience with her and her feelings of unworthiness, guilt, et al were never anything to go by.
We are the Proverbs 31 woman. Being molten in the heat of His fire, meeting Him at the most heated places in the kiln, watching him cut lose the sin that so easily entangles, being molded to be in His image and likeness, then walking out of the kiln free and clean and healed. We are her, the Proverbs 31 woman, in the making. She doesn’t exist, at least not off-the-shelf or hand-made in any part of the world. She is God’s handiwork in the workshop, beautiful piece on the bench, putting a smile on God’s face with every extra lustre, every new touch.

We are she. The Proverbs 31 woman. In our own unique ways. We will never get ‘there’. I pray that that will never be our aim. Because then, we will not perceive the need for Christ. We cannot give up on self. We can only give up ourselves to Christ daily, letting Him take over so that losing it all would mean everlasting gain. No loss whatsoever :) Not for us, not for ours and certainly not for the Body of Christ.

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Relationship Relativity vs Jealousy

May 9th, 2012 by Mail .

Human beings are distinct from other animals mainly because of their ability to form and perceive relationships. Our minds can ‘put two and two together’ which is the root of our society. From language to government, we thrive by relating one thing to another. Our minds themselves are made up of billions of potential connections between brain cells. We relate things, build relationships and therefore we thrive on relativity.

What has this got to do with relationships? Well, we will start off from the Old Testament where Genesis shows us that man was created in the image of God. Have you ever thought about that critically? Not just as some abstract and far-off theory but as a reality…you and me are fashioned in the image of God…we possess properties that are similar to what God manifests. Think about it. We’re human and full of faults and weaknesses, but just like a humanoid robot looks human and has some human-like properties, God also gives us some similarities with Him. Let’s see one of them:

  • In Exodus 20:5 we have the explanation of the 1st commandment:

You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me.

God punishes the Israelites in their journey to Canaan for many transgressions, and in Canaan also. One of the common and serious offenses was the worship of other gods. There was no leniency for this, because it was rejection of God who had delivered them from many trials and enemies. How do we feel about rejection and betrayal ourselves?

Now the Israelites don’t necessarily stop following God, their crime is that they bring other gods into the picture. Their sin is relative, not absolute. To abandon God’s laws and teachings is one thing – an absolute sin, but to mix them with the laws and teachings of other gods is as the Bible puts it – ‘to play the harlot’. And by removing the exclusivity of one God is similar to a spouse removing the exclusivity of marriage by having intimate relationships outside it.

Exclusivity is very very important in relationships. How you treat your partner in absolute terms is not as important as how you treat them in relation to how you treat other people. If you take your girlfriend out to an expensive dinner at a fancy hotel, in absolute terms that is pretty good. But it means nothing if you also take other female friends to the same place. It’s the fact that you don’t do a particular thing for anyone else that makes it special, not the intrinsic value of that thing.

To understand this will help you to be more creative in your relationship, creating little traditions that are strictly between the two of you and never shared with anyone else. If you decide to play cards every weekend, make that your tradition and avoid playing cards every weekend with other people. Always keep in mind that the novelty of it, the fact that no one else is having that particular experience from you, means everything.

Because of this relativity, we subconsciously take a keen interest in how our partner is treating the people around them, what sort of gifts they get, what sort of compliments they get and so on. And we do notice when we feel we aren’t the top dog in our partner’s lives. And it is important to speak out and let it be clear when you don’t feel like you are number one. It isn’t selfish, it is an honest expectation that as you grow towards marriage you become the most important person in your partner’s life. And likewise take a long good look at how you treat your friends and family. Do they get a better version of you than your partner does? If so, get to work rectifying that.

Jealousy is different from relativity. Jealousy is illogical suspicion and possessiveness. Read about the dangers of jealousy here. And more on jealousy here. There is a fine line between the two. The way to avoid conflict and suspicion in a relationship is to communicate. If your boyfriend is always playful with some other girl and never with you, speak to him about it. Let him know that you want to be his number one, and while you shouldn’t keep each other from having friends, relativity has to be taken seriously. If your girlfriend is never willing to spend time with you on your interests but seems to have a lot of time available for some other guy, speak out.

When you have envy and suspicion without evidence then that is jealousy, but when you have valid reasons for your concern then you’re simply protecting your exclusivity. Jealousy destroys the trust that a relationship depends on while exclusivity grows love and the feeling of being special which comes with it. Share concerns and where you feel undervalued speak out. But don’t create imaginary rivals out of everyone who interacts with your partner.

When you keep putting restrictions on each others movement and communication, then you are being possessive and love is being eroded. At all times remember that love is a choice of free will, not an obligation to be imposed.  Your partner needs friends and colleagues and will always interact with a world that is bigger than you and includes people who may intimidate you. That’s where trust and commitment comes in, build it daily. Treat each other with honor and respect and respond to complaints with love and consideration. You’ll win each other over everyday with your character and love, not with rules and force.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, General Discussion, Love, Relationships
Tags: , , , ,

Loving through the hard times…

May 4th, 2012 by Mogul .

The ideal story would be to meet the love of your life, get married and live happily ever after! No challenges, No low times! Smooth sailing all the way! If you are like me, you know that this is not possible because at one point or another in the journey of love challenges must and will be encountered. However, the challenges might differ on their severity and the consequences that they carry for the relationship.

As mentioned earlier, hard times are inevitable and so it is important to prepare ahead and know what your partner is able to withstand and what they cannot take in. Discussions on the subject should be undertaken earlier in the relationship so that you are both aware of your limitations. It might be heartbreaking to know that the guy or the lady you love would leave if you got sick, lost your job, couldn’t have children in marriage or you were involved in an accident that left you unable to perform your duties as before. However, it is better to be aware other than be shocked when the situation arises and you are abandoned when you need them the most.

For some couples, the challenges may be quite minimal but for others the challenge may be quite overwhelming but as long as they are committed to the relationship they will succeed with God by their side. There are some tips that I came across and can be of help when going through hard times as a Christian couple.

First, it is important to pray for yourself and each other during the hard times so that God can deliver you from the situation. Ask God to help you keep your commitment to your partner and vice versa so that you can wait on His deliverance together.

Second, in case of the loss of income it is important for the partner who is working to support the other when in need. Ladies, remember that your man needs to be respected even when he is not providing as he should because when things change in his favor, you do not want to swallow your words or lose the relationship altogether.  Men, still treat her as the queen she is even when her needs may strain you a bit, things will soon change for the better.

Lastly, focus on the positive things in the relationship especially those that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Find time to appreciate each other even with the simplest gifts that might not cost much money but show your feelings for your partner. As you work on building your relationship during hard times, it will add value to it even when God blesses you and restores what was previously lost or not.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, Love, Relationships

Cleaning the Fish Tank

April 30th, 2012 by Mail .

If you’ve watched Finding Nemo you probably remember the plan by Nemo and his friends to escape the fish tank by jamming the water pump, causing the tank water to become dirty and thus forcing the dentist to clean the tank. If you haven’t watched Finding Nemo then all you need to know is that fish tanks remain clean and clear by means of a constantly running pump that cycles the dirty water out into a filter and clean water in to replace it.

Now why would we be discussing a fish tank on a relationship site? Well, your relationship is analogous to a fish tank. Just like a fish tank’s water becomes dirty and murky with time, a relationship collects all sorts of dirt with time – grudges, offenses, hurts, lies, betrayals, mistrust and so on. And just like the water pump takes out the water, gets it filtered and brings it back clean and fresh, your relationship also needs a constantly running pump to remain nice and clean.

Ephesians 4:26 – 27 is an incredible instruction for relationship maintenance:

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

Do you actually try this in your relationship? Do you make a committed and conscious effort to resolve ALL pending issues at the very least weekly? Or do you let storms brew slowly and intervene only when things get to crisis level?

Love is blissful but it comes with arguments and conflict. Conflict resolution is one of the skills that is essential to a strong and lasting relationship. But in order to resolve conflict you must communicate effectively ALL grievances. Don’t be good at hiding or bottling up your hurts to keep things shiny and peaceful. That image you are working so hard to maintain is wrong, a good relationship MUST be free of facades. Look good for the general public, but look real for your partner.

The Pump

  • Take time each day to talk to each other. Communication eases any tension that has lingered or built up. Talk daily unless it is really really not possible.
  • Take time each week to review your relationship. Not review in the sense of whether to continue or not, but review in the sense of whether each of you is still feeling loved, respected, fulfilled and appreciated.
  • Sometimes you may find yourself in the situation where you told a little lie. Come clean during these regular reviews, and free yourself from the burden.
  • Renew your commitment to being a team and where you feel you’re not getting the support you need – speak up. No one is psychic.

The Filter

  • Keep good friends and accountability partners to help you along the way, and support your relationship during trying times.
  • Pray and fellowship with God together, and also individually. It is very important.
  • Consult the Bible for wisdom and direction. It surprises me with its continued relevance.

Go on, keep that fish tank clear everyday.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, Relationships
Tags: , , ,

Are you confident?

April 25th, 2012 by Mail .

Confidence is a state of sustained assurance. When you have 50 shillings in your pocket you can board a matatu with confidence in your ability to pay the fare. You won’t enter with doubt, worry or fear, but with a feeling of capacity. Self-confidence is having confidence in oneself, in one’s qualities, strengths and ability. Arrogance or hubris is on the other hand having unmerited confidence – believing something or someone is capable or correct when they are not. Overconfidence or presumptuousness is excessive belief in someone (or something) succeeding, without any regard for failure. Confidence in others is being sure that they will deliver on particular commitments or responsibilities they have to you.

So with the definition done away with, let us look at the confidence that we need to have in our relationships for them to succeed. For most people, our confidence in others is a lesson we begin learning at birth. As we form relationships with parents, siblings, other relatives and friends, we find ourselves increasingly expected to give out trust and confidence as good as we get it. Trust is a hard thing to build, confidence is like the mold on which trust is cast. You have confidence in someone, give them responsibilities and based on how they perform you reward them with increasing trust. Confidence is a loan of trust, which the borrower invests well in order to profit with more trust.

An ego thing

Now ladies, your man needs your confidence more than he needs food and water. Okay….maybe that’s stretching it…but it’s very important. Your confidence in him is something he carries around with him all day, giving him that extra boost to achieve more than he would otherwise do. So how do you show confidence? Here are some pointers:

  • If you ask him to do something, don’t ask anyone else as backup. Just don’t.
  • In times of crisis, give him time to fix it or solve the problem. Panic and worry right off the bat screams “I don’t think you can fix this!”
  • Focus on the stuff he’s done, not on the stuff that’s pending. Letting him know that you are acknowledging the progress he’s making makes him feel appreciated and pushes him to finish pending stuff.
  • Don’t hide him, his work, photos or things he bought you from other people. It says “I’m ashamed of you in public” and does little for his self-esteem.
  • If he walks/drives you somewhere, let him know you feel safe because of his presence. Jumping at every noise, being in a panic and so on will simply make him feel very irrelevant to your security.
  • Be on his team. He’s not always right so you can’t always be on his side, but be on his team always. Don’t throw him under the bus.
  • Be his biggest fan. Celebrate achievements with him, and tell him how good he is when something goes wrong and he’s feeling a bit incompetent.

An image thing

And guys, your lady needs to feel confident about herself. She lives on compliments. Remember, you need her confidence in you and she needs her confidence in herself. So you need to boost that confidence consistently and without stopping. Here we go:

  • Let her know you find her attractive. With words, flowers :-) and actions.
  • Show her off to other people, talk about her now and then.
  • Don’t tell her she looks fat :-) Unless she is completely unaware of this, and even then do it in private and pick your timing well.
  • Compliment her regularly, about different things that she does well. Be creative with your compliments.
  • Encourage her to improve her skills, her career and support her dreams. It is very important.
  • Spend time with her. It says you value her company, and makes her feel wanted.
  • Listen. Listen. Listen.

By being confident in a man, you are building your respect in him. You are preparing for one of the most well known instructions directly to wives:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. – Ephesians 5:22 – 24

By building a woman’s confidence, you are showing selfless love. You are preparing for one of the most well known instructions directly to husbands:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:25 – 28

From the verses here we can see that wives are instructed to submit, to direct confidence and respect to their husbands. Husbands are instructed to love, to build and lift up their wives. As you build your relationships toward marriage, work on these important things to prepare for a strong marriage that honors God.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, General Discussion, Relationships
Tags: , , , , , ,

Property: Mine or Ours?

April 24th, 2012 by Mail .

Recently we got someone on our advice email – advice@mailandfemail.com – asking about a property issue she had with her husband. And I’ve seen a lot of similar queries in other places touching on who legally owns the property in marriage. As a couple preparing for marriage you should begin to seriously think about this. Don’t put it off till you get married because you’d rather have it ironed out along with your attitudes about wealth before you commit to a lifetime together.

People have different backgrounds and while some have been raised in a traditional male-dominated society, where the man’s name is on the title deeds, the investment accounts, the car logbooks and everything else; others have been raised in a more westernized society where there is the idea of gender equity and all that. Some fall in between and so you’ll find there’s a lot to discover and potential conflicts just waiting to happen. As a man, don’t just assume your partner is going to be the quiet wife who let’s you sign everything on her behalf. And as a lady, similarly don’t assume your partner will necessarily be a supporter of the feminist movement that reduces the influence men traditionally had over family property.

So now that we’ve put the problem out there, what are some of the things to discuss with your future wife/husband as you go forward?

  • Who keeps the title deeds – the title deed spells out who owns some property legally, and the name that is there might be a source of tension or conflict. In a Christian marriage two become one and therefore they cease to have private wealth or property. Build your trust and confidence in each other, so that the names appearing there become a matter of convenience rather than power games.
  • Joint bank account or separate accounts – a joint account sounds pretty romantic but think of the practical implications. Learn each other and identify spending habits, weaknesses with money and so on before you jump to the idea of a joint account. Focus on the fact that regardless of where it is kept, the money belongs to both of you and should be spent after joint planning and budgeting.
  • Budgets – accounting and budgets aren’t only for businesses. Budget your spending and control it. Always discuss major purchases together and be open about both incomes and expenses. You don’t need to be technical about it – just a piece of paper with the plan for the month can be enough. Live within your means and work on contentment, so that you are not susceptible to envy or trying to keep up with others.
  • Plans for the future – when deciding on how to register property, think of eventualities like death. Relatives can easily lock out (or cause unnecessary legal battles) for a surviving spouse when one dies, with long fights over property that can cause suffering for a family that has amassed enough wealth to live comfortably. Especially in the absence of a will. Registering property jointly or starting a holding company together might help avoid these problems.
  • Private investments – talk about wealth you already have before you get married. If you own a house, car, shares or land, how is this to be handled? Will you register it afresh? In places where you have listed other people as next of kin e.g. in insurance policies, will you change this to reflect your new setup? Within the marriage will you invest jointly or does the man have his investment club and the woman her ‘chama’ which does investments?
  • Relatives – what kind of obligations does each of you have to siblings, parents and other relatives. Are you paying fees for your uncle’s kids or something like that? How will this affect your marriage and the life you live? What priority will this have in relation to your future family i.e. your own kids. Have some limit to how much you support other people, charities and so on…your family is your primary responsibility.
  • Tithe – discuss tithing and be diligent with it. Giving back to God is an important part of life and should not be trivialized. Tithe before any other expenditure to avoid the temptation of making it the optional item on the budget. Discuss how you will do your tithing so that both of you are on the same page. Even for non-Christians, the importance of giving is stressed by many wealthy people of different religious persuasions.

We won’t give answers because every couple will have their own attitudes and strengths as far as money matters are concerned. What should be clear however is that a marriage is a merging of lives, which includes wealth and property.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh – Genesis 2:24

Posted in Dating for Marriage, General Discussion
Tags: , , , , ,

Trust is earned: Bereans

April 11th, 2012 by Mail .

Paul and Silas went to a place called Berea in Acts 17:10 – 15, where they met an extraordinary group of Christians. These people would listen to Paul and Silas keenly and with all readiness, but each day they went and searched the Scripture to find out if what was said was actually true. They as a result of this grew to trust Paul and Silas and believed.

Now this story is important because of several reasons which I will outline first before I expound on them:

  • The Bereans did not disrespect Paul and Silas by verifying their statements daily
  • The Bereans only trusted and believed AFTER they had verified FOR THEMSELVES that what Paul and Silas said was true
  • Paul and Silas were not offended, but rather were impressed at the thoroughness (what lawyers call due diligence) of the Bereans
  • The Bereans knew Paul and Silas were great men of God, and had obviously heard a lot about them. However, this did not mean they exempted them from accountability to the Scripture standard.

Have a Berean Thoroughness

In many areas of life, not least in relationships, we need an attitude of caution. When we go to church and we hear a great sermon from our favorite pastor, let us not assume that simply because the pastor has degrees in theology and a compelling voice he is right. The pastor may be wrong simply because like you and me, pastors are human and prone to bias, misinformation, poor study or research and mistakes. So always have your Bible handy.

In relationships, the person you love with all your heart is similarly human and prone to deception, temptation, jealousy and greed. Always work to have trust earned over time, not granted as some grand gift in exchange for love. Love deeply, but trust cautiously. Always be on your guard to avoid replacing God’s principles with your own, or compromising for the sake of peace and short-term joy. Many people have come into one form of harm or another simply because of trusting others too soon or being blinded by affection. Even in your relationship – focus on what will honor God and be exemplary to others.

Reputation is no substitute for building trust

Trust is earned slowly over time. Building trust between you and your partner cannot be speeded up for your convenience. It does not matter if your sister, best friend, brother or parents trust him/her. You need to cultivate your own trust in your partner based on your OWN experiences with him/her. Trust is non-transferable. You might meet someone who has a reputation in the church or in your social circle as a good person, a morally upright person and so on. But that doesn’t mean you are exempted from the labor of doing your own homework. Before you make any major decisions, especially with regards to marriage, ensure you trust and respect your partner with your own mind. Do not attempt to borrow the trust and respect others have in your partner, because those others will not commit themselves by a God-witnessed covenant to a lifetime with that person.

Being careful is not offensive

An honorable person should not be offended if you refuse to trust them right off the bat, or believe in mere words. Even the Bible says in James 2:20 very clearly:

But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?

So there you go, without tangible actions that you have personally experienced over time, don’t take anyone’s word for it. Especially when it’s about love and commitment. Take your time, there’s never a hurry to make up your mind.

But don’t be to hard on you partner. They are working as hard as you are to gain trust and confidence. Remember, as you demand works for your trust, you should also be willing to provide works for the trust of others.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, General Discussion, Relationships
Tags: , , ,

What to do when love fails…

April 9th, 2012 by Mogul .

The initial attraction between two people can be described in a variety of ways but they all end up describing a strong feeling that led them to want to know more about the other person. There are many relationships that have moved through the various stages from dating and end up in a marriage that lasts a lifetime. However, this is not always the case for everyone as many couples grow apart and decide to break up for one reason or another. There are times when one partner decides to break the relationship off, which is usually devastating to the other person who most times does not understand the reason for the break up. On the other hand, there are times where there is a mutual agreement to end the relationship and move on to other relationships.

As Christians we are not immune to failed relationships and it is not rare to meet friends who have had their heart broken or decided to end a relationship for one reason or another. Nevertheless, the reaction to the break up is what makes the difference between the ability to move on and find the relationship that God would want us to enjoy or wallow in pity about the relationship that has ended which leads to the putting up of walls towards any new relationships. When a relationship ends there is a lot of pain that is experienced and the person involved might not think that they would ever get over what they are feeling. It is okay to mourn over a relationship that has been broken off but it should not be allowed to take over the one’s life.

Some of the steps that you can take when involved in a break up include:

Accept that you have gone through a loss in your life. You and partner are likely to have been spending a lot of time together whether physically or communicating at one time or another. Not being able to have access to them can be hard to deal with especially if they were someone that was involved in almost all areas of your life. The sadness as well as confusion that you will experience will blow over after some time but only when you accept it and deal with it.

Avoid placing blame on your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend because it is likely that they must have had a hard time making the decision as well. It is tempting to blame them and even be angry but this will not help in the healing process. There are times that you might feel that you want to get back at them so that they can feel as much pain as you are feeling at the present time.

Pick the lesson that is intended for you from the relationship that has ended. It is important that you evaluate the reasons for the break up and how you might have contributed to the present circumstance so as not to repeat them in any future relationships. In addition, it is okay to seek for help when you feel overwhelmed so that you are able to get over the break up. Find someone that you can trust like your accountability partner, prayer partner, counsellor, pastor, close friend or sibling that you feel can help you work through your feelings.

Finally, turn to God and express your pain to him and ask for complete healing from the broken relationship. Most people in this situation find that their relationship with God deepens as they find comfort, strength as well as hope in the word of God. Furthermore, seek guidance from God on the way forward even when you feel like you are ready to love again.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, Love, Relationships

A lamb didn’t fit the script

April 1st, 2012 by Mail .

In the Biblical days there was a lot of prophecy and the Bible is full of especially Old Testament prophecies that came to pass either in the New Testament or in later dates in the Old Testament. And one of the recurring prophecies was that of the birth of Jesus. From Genesis 3:15, 2nd Samuel 7:16, Malachi 3:1 among others, the Israelites were given grand ideas of this coming Messiah. They knew the royal David and Saul his predecessor, both mighty men of valor, handsome and pretty much all the Israelites expected a king to be.

So from the prophecies it follows that many Jews imagined a great king – feeding even the insecurity of Herod in the days of its fulfillment. The Jews expected and even created the idea of the king who was coming. Yet God had a plan that was entirely different. Instead of a rich and royal man of great military victories like David or grand displays of wealth and wisdom like Solomon – God sent the Son of Man – born in an insignificant location and growing up to become more or less a wandering teacher in the eyes of many. Definitely not the king the Jews expected.

In life we often find ourselves in such situations – where we allow ourselves to build OUR OWN idea of how GOD’S PLAN should look like or work, and then get disappointed or disillusioned because GOD’S PLAN is not equal to OUR IDEA. Logically, the scriptwriter decides what happens in the play, yet many times we as the lead actors in our lives want to decide how the play goes. We forget that we can’t see the whole picture – and thus we don’t have enough information to make the play achieve its objectives i.e. the lead actor fulfills his quest.

Growing up we may create our ideal of what our future husband/wife should be like. And we may get to that point where we actively go looking for that ideal person and keep wondering why we aren’t getting them. We may even pass on great opportunities to build amazing relationships because we are focused on finding our ideal person. Same with careers, economic class and so on – we always find ourselves defining our own script, making it into a list of demands and then presenting it to God as though He promised the items on that list. When you decide all by yourself what God allegedly promised you, then you set yourself up for self-inflicted disappointment.

God has a purpose for each of us, and part of it may be a marriage. But with the people you interact with daily, are you a true Christian? Do you avoid partiality, gossip, coarse words and pride? Do you show people kindness, mercy, love and selflessness? Because these are attractive qualities in addition to being Biblical principles. And even when you are dating someone, having these qualities will greatly improve your relationship. Working on yourself never fits the script, we want the script where the focus is never on your weaknesses and your nature as a work in progress. We want the script where the other party bears all the expectations and rules. They have to be rich, funny, smart, well-educated, widely-traveled, morally upright, multilingual and so on. But as for ourselves…we can just be ORDINARY. Great script right?

As you think about the life of Christ and His journey to the cross, reconcile that with the prophecies and try to understand that the purpose was to save mankind, not to build a big palace or win great wars. Only a true king can sacrifice their life for the entire kingdom. Likewise, a Christ-mimicking relationship should have loads of selflessness and sacrifice. The shiny stuff is good, but the purpose is everything.

 What happens outwardly to you is not as important as what happens inside you, both literally and figuratively.

Posted in Dating for Marriage, General Discussion, Relationships
Tags: , , , , ,
« Older Entries

Switch to our mobile site